Ariel the Mermaid

for some reason, i thought this story was sooooo nifty...

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 00:28:19 GMT

An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 06:37:46 GMT

saras bday is on wednesday!!!!!
im excited!!!!
i have no clue what to get her, though...
itll be good when i figure it out... shell love it...

im at a really good point in my life right now...
im really happy with corey... and i dont even really know why...

joke of the day:

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 16:20:37 GMT

An engaged man is over his fiancee's house. His fiancee has a sister who seems to be very attracted to him. She always wears short skirts and bends down in front of him. One day before the wedding, the sister calls him up and asks if he can come over to her house to do some last minute planning. He agrees and goes over. She is in a very exposing outfit and she says, "Before you dedicate your life to my sister, if you want to see what you are missing, I will be upstairs in my room waiting for you." She then went upstairs, took her panties off, and threw them down on his head. He takes the panties and marches right out to his car. Then his fiancee, future father and mother-in-laws run out and yelled,
"You passed the test! You passed the test!"

Moral of the story....

always leave your condoms in your car

haha!!! some people just dont have any luck...

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:06:04 GMT

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache.The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

Joe walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in he mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought or a moment and then said, "Sure... "

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck".

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure, give me new everything!"

The salesman proceeded to collect a complete outfit and got the size right on everything until he got to Joe's underwear.

The salesman eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, you're wrong on that one. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman looked again and then shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 02:47:55 GMT

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	ariel
Birthday:	8/27/88
Birthplace:	miami
Current Location:	ft myers
Eye Color:	green
Hair Color:	very blonde
Height:	5'7''
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
The Shoes You Wore Today:	sandals
Your Weakness:	dunno
Your Fears:	blood
Your Perfect Pizza:	cheese with xtra sauce
Your Most Overused Phrase On an IM:	i dont have im
Thoughts First Waking Up:	fuck this shit
Your Best Physical Feature:	eyes
Your Bedtime:	whenever i go to sleep
Your Most Missed Memory:	happy times
Pepsi or Coke:	neither
MacDonalds or Burger King:	bk
Single or Group Dates:	both
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	yes
Do you Swear:	yes
Do you Sing:	no
Do you Shower Daily:	yes
Have you Been in Love:	i thought so...
Do you want to go to College:	no
Do you want to get Married:	yes
Do you belive in yourself:	yes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no
Do you think you are Attractive:	yes
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	a lot
Do you play an Instrument:	not anymore
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	yes
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
Have you ever eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	yes
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	yes
Ever Shoplifted:	yes
How do you want to Die:	dunno
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	a pastry chef
What country would you most like to Visit:	phillipines
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	blue
Favourite Hair Color:	doesnt matter
Short or Long Hair:	in the middle
Height:	taller than me
Weight:	doesnt matter
Best Clothing Style:	dont care
Number of Drugs I have taken:	too many to count
Number of CDs I own:	i have no idea
Number of Piercings:	9
Number of Tattoos:	none yet
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	none
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

joke of the day:

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 02:40:04 GMT

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House".

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges".

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA.

The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Sat, 28 May 2005 15:24:31 GMT

oh MAN do i feel like im dying...
this really sucks.

god damnit...

Thu, 26 May 2005 00:33:06 GMT

wow... what a fucking let down...
this TRULY sucks.
i dunno. i guess ill try and make it the best i can while it lasts...
thats all i can really do. even though in doing so, when its gone, its just going to hurt more... but whatever. nothing i can do anyway.

at least it was fun while it lasted...

Sat, 21 May 2005 04:05:58 GMT

please, PLEASE dont...
i dont know what id do with myself...

Wed, 18 May 2005 20:38:37 GMT

im so sleepy.
i dont know why...
i wanna go get something to eat, but i dont have a car, and not much money either, now that i think about it... fuck.
its so hot out today. maybe thats why im tired.
i dunno...

i cant wait for this weekend. parents are leaving me at home WITH A CAR. told me i can do whatever the fuck i want! im excited.
another great thing going on this weekend is that sorry excuse of a human being is finally leaving for good. thank god. too bad it couldnt have happened sooner, in a more tragic way... eh, its good enough...

someone should come over and rescue me!!!!

damn youre dumb, michelle.
why do you have to think that anything i say in my lj thats negative towards a person is you? because its not. you just seem to think i give a shit about you when i dont. fuck you, and dont ever call me at my house again.

lesbian joke:

Sat, 14 May 2005 22:28:47 GMT

Handsome Hank met an incredibly gorgeous woman in a dark bar and asked to buy her a drink. "Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

Soon he tried again. "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but like I said, it won't do you any good."

Then he invited her up to his apartment and she replied, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."

When they got there, Hank gave her his best shot. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I want you for my wife."

She smiled and purred, "Oh, now that's quite a different story. Let me see this wife of yours!"

gotta love the Irish...

Wed, 11 May 2005 01:14:44 GMT

An Irishman named Paddy Devine went to his doctor. The doctor, after
an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer,
and you'd best put your affairs in order."

Paddy Devine was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into
the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by
some of Paddy Devines's old friends, who were curious as to what the
two were celebrating.

Paddy Devine told his friends they were drinking to his impending end.
"I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their
condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, Devines's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."

Paddy Devine said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother
after I'm gone."

not so funny, but whatever...

Mon, 09 May 2005 19:32:14 GMT

Jack and Mary worked together in a company that had a policy against dating co-workers, so they went out, but kept it a secret. One day the boss saw Jack pat Mary on the ass as she passed his desk. Later he patted her on the ass. Mary turned around and slapped him. The boss said, "Why are you so upset? I saw Jack pat your ass."

Mary broke down and started crying. She admitted Jack was her fiance. The boss said, "Well, you know the company policy. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off!"

Sat, 07 May 2005 15:54:26 GMT

i feel like shit. fuck prince and his goddamn cake.
i need to get this shit out of my system.

im supposed to be at the beach right now, but i dont see that happening.
im prolly gonna hang out with mike and cory instead.
i wanna go back to sleep. this sucks.
i need a new job. a better paying job. i dont mind working at tony romas, but im just not getting enough money out of it.

anyway... i dunno. im so bored.
ima go try and sleep again. i guess...

Thu, 05 May 2005 22:40:01 GMT

am i wasting my time? it would suck if i found out that im trying to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me. itd be a real let down...
i dont want to just be "cuddle buddies". that would be torture for me. id be driven crazy.
all i ask is this:
"am i wasting my time?"

very simple.

jokes of the day:

Wed, 04 May 2005 00:37:06 GMT

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher asks her
students, "If you're courting a well educated young girl, from a
prominent family and during a dinner for two, you needed to go to the
toilet, what would you say to her?"

Tyrone replies, "Wait just a minute, I gotta go piss." The teacher says,
"That would be vulger, very rude, and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry; I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be back
in a minute." The teacher says : "That's much better, but don't mention
the word "bathroom" during a meal, as it is unpleasant."

And Lil' Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to
go shake hands with a personal friend, to whom I hope to introduce you
to, after dinner. "

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to
the other and says. "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I
go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before
I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet
and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, 'WHO'S HORNY??'.... she acts like she is asleep
everytime."

JOKE OF THE DAY:

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 17:03:49 GMT

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

i want you to come back...
im so lonely... i miss you so much... :(
im gonna try my hardest to pick you up from the airport. promise.
everyones out of town this weekend but me. it sucks. i hate having nothing to do.

i miss you.

i need a cigarette!!!!!!

sounds like something I would do.....

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 20:11:46 GMT

Bus load of ugly people crashes and everyone dies. The go up to the pearly gates and see St. Peter.

St. Peter look at all of 'em and says, before i let you in ill grant you each one wish.

So he goes up to the 1st person and the 1st person says, I wish to be beautiful. ::POOF:: that person became beautiful. "Hey that’s a good wish!"
the next person says, and so he wished for that too.

Everyone was amazed and so everyone started to wish for that.

St. Peter works his way down to the end of the line, and he notices that the last person in the line has laughed so hard he pissed himself. St. Peter looks at him and says "whats so funny?"

"I wish them all ugly again."

HOW IRONIC.....

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 20:08:35 GMT

A rabbit is running through the forest when he comes across a giraffe about to smoke this huge joint. The rabbit stops and looks at the giraffe and says "OH NO mister Giraffe, you shouldn't do that pots not good for you, come with me running through the forest and I'll show you what life’s all about"

The giraffe looks at the joint, looks at the starry-eyed rabbit, throws the joint away and goes off with the rabbit

Running through the forest they come across an elephant about to shoot up with some heroin. "OH NO mister elephant you should never do that, heroin is very bad for you. Come with me running threw the forest, and I'll show you what life’s all about."

The elephant looks at his needle, looks at the starry-eyed rabbit and throws out the needle

Running through the forest they come across a lion about to do a rail of coke. "OH NO mister lion you should never do that, coke is bad for you, come with me and ill show you what life’s all about."

The lion looks at the line, looks at the starry-eyed rabbit, and beats the shit out of the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant look at the lion and say "why'd you do that mister lion, cant you see he was just trying to help"

The lion looks at the two and says "That little fucker makes me go running threw the forest looking like an idiot every time he’s high on ecstasy"

I thought it was funny. i love gay jokes:

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 21:45:23 GMT

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
> flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he
> served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend,
> he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
> "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this
> big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your
> trays up, that would be super."
>
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic
> looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
> over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,
> so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned
> her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders
> from no one."
>
> To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
> sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
> "Tray-up, Bitch."

it took me a few times of reading this joke before i got it(ima blond):

This man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. He looks around and spots a beer pitcher full of twenty dollar bills. Curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the bartender what it's for. The bar tender looks at him and tells him that there is a running contest. The guy asks him what the contest is for, the bartender tells him "well you have to put a twenty in the pitcher, then you go outside to the phone booth. Inside the phone booth is a badger with a bad tooth, you have to pull the tooth. Then when you are finished with that you have to go to the back room where we have the oldest prostitute in the city. All you have to do is make her have an orgasm. Then you collect the money in the pitcher." The guy thinks about it and decides that he's not man enough to do it. A couple of hours and a few pints later he throws a twenty in the pitcher and yells "take me to the phone booth." The bar patrons cheer and happily oblige. The man hops in the booth and all hell breaks loose. The windows are covered in fur, dust, and blood. The man falls out of the booth, his cloths are tattered and he is covered from head to foot in scratches. He looks up at one of the patrons and says "Alright, where is that bitch with the fucked up teeth."

i think i might have posted this joke before, but i dunno....

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 23:10:07 GMT

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get
just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk
asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" Kirk asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."

NICE.....

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 22:31:40 GMT

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste;
knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested,
she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... this should be an easy target. >

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but
wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay!

haha cops deserve everything they get:

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 18:05:54 GMT

So this businessman walks into a erotic shop and starts looking around and eventually makes his way to the front desk. He says to the owner, "I see a lot of the stuff you have here is all nice and fine, but I'm gonna be going on a business trip for a few weeks and I want something to make sure my wife won't cheat on me behind her back. Y'know, something to keep her busy."
The owner says, "Well we do have one thing, but i don't know..."
"Please, anything. I'm desperate," says the businessman.
"Well we do have the Voodoo Dick."
"The Voodoo Dick?"
The owner pulls this box out from under the counter with all these voodoo carvings over it and opens it up. Inside lies a plain pink dildo.
"Well, that just looks like all the other dildos in here. What's so special about it?"
"Watch this," says the owner, "Voodoo Dick, the door!" and with those words the dildo floats up in the air and begins banging the door. Just as the door is about to break off its hinges the owner says, "Voodoo Dick, back in the box!" and it floats back and the box closes itself.
"That was amazing! I'll take it!" The owner reluctantly sold it for some astronomical price. The businessman exitedly takes the dildo home and immediately shows it to his wife.
"It's called the Voodoo Dick. All you have to do is say 'Voodoo Dick' and then 'my pussy' and it will fuck you by itself." She was a little disbelieving, but took it and put it in her closet.
The businessman goes away on his business trip and a week passes by. His wife starts getting a little horny and begins eyeing up the neighbor when she remembers the Voodoo Dick. She decides to take it out and give it a try. She says, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy," and the thing starts fucking her all by itself. She can't believe it, it feels amazing. She leaves it in for a while and after about three orgasms she decides to stop. She goes to pull it out and the thing won't stop, her husband forgot to tell her how to make it stop! She panics and decides to go to the hospital and see if they can help. She gets her clothes on uneasily and gets in her car and starts driving. During the drive she has another orgasm and swerves all over the road and almost hits a telephone pole. A cop sees this and pulls her over. He walks up to her window and asks, "So how much you been drinking this evening?"
She replies, "It's not like that officer, honest! See my husband gave me this Voodoo Dick and now I can't get it out!"
The officer looks down at her and says, "Yeah right lady, Voodoo Dick my ass."

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are only 50?"

"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."

kind funny JOKE OF THE DAY:

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 19:16:54 GMT

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are only 50?"

"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."

sick and wrong joke:

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 00:24:47 GMT

A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.

Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty."

so i think i actually made some money at work today. nice change of pace...
im about to watch white chicks. funny ass shit...

so i have no clue what youre talking about with the blake and sean thing...
i was talking about SHANE saying that he jumped you. i saw him at prom yesturday...
so what was THAT all about?